Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Happy Mask Was Never Your Best Disguise

The open road

Is scary and intense

Thought I could swallow it

Soon it will swallow me

I hide behind the camera lens

So they can’t see

It hurts to be different

And longing is ugly

So I focus on the good

Tiny moments in life

In hopes that one day

Those tiny moments

Will find their way

Back to me.

I wrote this in 2006 over Thanksgiving weekend. I was wrestling with a swell of feelings that ranged from anger to sadness to jealousy. Every time I would leave a family gathering I would feel so empty, so conflicted. I loved my family(ies), but it was hard watching everyone else's families growing around me while ours was only expanding with members of the four-legged persuasion. It was very hard not to harbor feelings of resentment or bitterness, and I didn't really know anyone that could relate or understand what that felt like; so much of those feelings got bottled up.

I love taking pictures, but sometimes, especially at family gatherings it felt like a way to hide, a distraction of sorts. So that when I was in the thick of it, I wouldn't let those feelings hurt someone I loved unintentionally. It is hard when you want something so much that is so hard for you to come by when others seem to be able to have it effortlessly.

And today, today is such a special day. Today is your birthday, your anniversary of your big debut into the world. We had your party early on Sunday so your Grandma T and Grandpa M could attend. And as we all watched you dig into your kitty cat cake, I took a look around at the circle of family and friends and was overcome with love. And as I froze frame after frame of your chocolate cake escapade, I saw how everyone around you could not help but be joyful. A year ago when they placed you in my arms -at 11:32 PM I finally knew, this is what it feels like - to have a child, to be a Mommy, after all this time. And when you looked at me all I could think was, "Welcome to the Club."

The Open Road is no longer a desolate place but a journey waiting to be taken.
Happy Birthday Baby Girl - you make my heart explode.




MilesT said...

Beautiful. I can't believe I missed this post. It's such a joy to have our own little family. We are truly blessed.

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